....but i'm not

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Dove...Don't Make Promises You Can't Keep

Dear Dove Dark Chocolate Promise Chefs,

I'd like you to know that I hold loyalty and honesty to a pretty high standard. If you need a gauge, basically I hold them to the same standard that I hold socks with sandals, except one is a must and one is a must never.

Naturally, I expect the same in my Dove Dark Chocolate Promises.

Full of fluff, light on the hard stuff, Dove has really been letting me down the past three months. Ever since Valentines Day I could tell something was off between us. "Sleep under the stars...admire a sunrise...exercise your heart....remember your first crush...think with your brain, feel with your heart." Welcome back amateur hour. Now what am I supposed to use as my moral compass? Apparently not these one-inch by one-inch aluminum foil wrappers like I used to.

First, these aren't even promises, they are commands. I live in downtown Chicago, it's not as easy as you think to sleep under the stars. Normally I would persuade people to go sleep under the stars by offering up Dove Dark Chocolates but no one wants any part of this absurdity. It's equally as difficult to admire a sunrise, something I have no intention of doing at 5:46am.

Secondly, why would I want to remember my first crush? I asked him out six times in one day and he said he'd go out with me if I was in the same grade even after I intentionally knocked down his pencil case then helped picked them up so I'd have a chance to verify that he was "sure about that." This is not a memory I want to relive.

Dove, what I'm trying to say is that I appreciate honesty above all else, so if you have something to say, just say it. Don't be so passive aggressive.

And since I'm here, I have a couple suggestions for your newly branded "Dove's Strong Suggestions":

#1. Go to the gym.
#2. Don't you think you've had enough?
#3. Put down the wine glass.
#4. You are such a sucker.

I don't want to sound too threatening here, but Dove, if you don't step up your game a bit, I'm going to have to resort to fortune cookies to fill the void. At least then I will have concrete instructions to follow, things like "you will fight with a coworker today then make up and become lovers by 3:30pm" or "an icicle will fall from the sky piercing your left shoulder but a studly man will come to your rescue by morphing his Armani suit into a tourniquet."

Very Sincerely,