....but i'm not

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Frodo Feet

Ain't nothin like a double leg amputee sitting on the corner of LaSalle and Adams broadcasting daily "SHE HAS GORGEOUS TOENAILS"  to get your buns to the nail salon.

Without this city's homeless population keeping my beauty regimen in check, I would be a troll.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I Guess You Could Call It Sporking Now.

It all began one fateful morning while spooning... 

I was taking on the traditional roll of little spoon, and my home skillet was fulfilling his manly duties as the tilted big spoon (for those who don't know, a full on spoon is when you're both laying on your side, the tilted spoon is when the big spoon is not fully on it's side).  Birds were chirping, the sun was shining, thoughts of flapjacks were dancing through our heads...and then it hit me, "what the fuck do I do with this other arm?"

Everyone knows the first arm is occupado.  You wrap that sucker over the big spoon, duh.  But the other arm? It's just hanging out there in all it's nubby glory being totally useless.  If you place it under the pillow or tuck it under your body I've heard you have to get it amputated.  If you put it straight up over your head, it gets stuck up there.  And if you try to cross it under your other arm, well then you're just uptight and shouldn't be spooning in the first place. 

Other than amputation, I can't think of a resolution so from now I'm thinking I'll just go with this cat move:

If you have any suggestions, send them my way.  It's too late for the cave people and hopefully my parents, but our children and our children's children will appreciate it some day.