....but i'm not

Monday, July 23, 2012

No offense.

I see this poster every day, yet on this Monday morning the thought of having to do this to any of my coworkers makes me want to curl up into a ball on the couch with a jar of peanut butter, a shot of whiskey, a Real Housewives marathon and never ever ever leave.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

King Size

Sarah Silverman said something like "self deprecation is another form of egoism."  True story.  But how else am I supposed to understand my monthly mail receipt of "King Size" magazine and process water cooler conversations like these:

Mail Guy:  Girl, why you workin' here?! You could be a model.

Me:  Oh thanks, that's super nice of you to say but nah, I'm good here in my cubicle.

Mail Guy: You tried it before?

Me:  Sort of, once in middle school.  They told me my hips were two inches too big and that I could get surgery to shave the bone off but my parents love me.

Mail Guy Who Really Knows How to Talk to a Woman:  Well they make those plus sized models don't they?

Me: Yes.  Yes, they definitely do make those.

Me (internally):  You sonofabitch.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

I'll still drink it.

"What's your name?"


"OK wait, Gordon?"

"Nope, Jordan, J.O.R.D.A.N."

"With an O?"

"Nope, with an A."