....but i'm not

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Street Vom.

Not to toot my own horn, but I'm pretty sure I recently made one of the most enthralling observations of my quarter century existence. nbd.

"Think about how much of your life you spend dodging street vomit."

And no, that's not even a metaphor.

Street vomit would most likely be defined by our boy Webster as "any substance regurgitated by a homo sapien splattered on the street in an easily identifiable pattern." Street vomit is unique to city life so I apologize if you're reading this from a barn and are thinking "oh ok, it's like dodging cow shit. I can totally relate." It's not and you can't.

Please don't let your repulsion keep you in the dark on my epiphane. Street vomit is just another part of your routine. Like the pigeon poop you swerve to avoid when getting off the train, so is the street vomit you take a longer stride to jump at the corner of Southport and Belmont. You have to embrace it and after reading this, you're going to have a hard time ignoring it (just thank me later).

In fact, I've started to make a fun little game called "Hey-Is-That-Street-Vom? Nope-It's-Nacho-Cheese." The rules of the game are simple, take a walk around the city with your opponent and see who can spot the most street vomit. You lose points for confusing spilled food with street vomit and receive bonus points if you can identify what the perpetrator ate or drank. Some neighborhoods are prime for this game. If you want to catch some Suburban Street Vomit head over to any concrete surface within a two block radius of Wrigley Field between the months of April and September and you will not be disappointed. If you want to see some Bro-sef Street Vomit, mosey on over to the block between Boston Market and Benchmark on Wells St. in Old Town. If you're just a snob and Rich People Street Vomit is more your thing, the Viagra Triangle downtown is a gold mine. I would put money on finding both Jay Cutler AND Kristen Cavalari street vomit over there.

If you're looking for a useful "meaning of life message" in this post, you won't find it (not that you'll ever find it in these posts). Just stretch those quads and hammies and keep dodging the street vomit.