....but i'm not

Thursday, August 12, 2010

The Dog Ate My Homework and Then Devoured Me...So That's Why I Couldn't Hang Out With You.

While showering this morning, I noticed that my bathtub is in need of a good caulking, which logically reminded me of the most magnificent blow off excuse I heard back in '09.

I mean this excuse is the motherload of all excuses to get out of a date. If they gave out Teen Choice Awards for "Best Ditch Your Girl On Super Bowl Sunday Excuses," this one would kick some serious Jonas Brother ass. It's like if you took Tupac, Biggie Smalls, and Jay-Z and put them in a room, then they ask me to come and sing Big Pimpin', that's how awkward this excuse was.

Picture this...

It's year 2009, Super Bowl Sunday and I'm supposed to go watch the game with the guy I had recently started seeing. Things were going pretty well, he was cute and smart and funny and he didn't wear sweatpants with elastic bottoms, so he pretty much fell into the dreamboat category. That morning he sends me a text asking what I'm up to later in the day and requesting my presence at a game watch get together. Being a sports lover, in addition to a commercial lover, I respond with a cheery "affirmative" and set off to find an outfit that says "hey look at me, I'd make a good girlfriend because I can watch sports, eat nachos, drink beer and still look adorable."

About an hour later I get this message:
"Hey, so I'm not sure I can hang out to watch the game. I have to caulk my bathtub and make sure it dries before I can do anything. I'll let you know when it's dry."

My response: "Hahahaha seriously? You're a hoot."

He was serious.

Immediately I set off in search of statistics to prove that the recaulking of a bathtub does not take an entire afternoon and does not require undivided attention. In fact, I'm pretty sure the side of the caulking tube reads "WARNING: Should you decide to caulk your bathtub on Super Bowl Sunday and use this as an excuse to blow off a girl...Ace Hardware is not responsible for any damages incurred."

I apologize to all the guys out there who have been using this excuse for years and I've now destroyed all credibility, but it is a tale that must be told.

The best part is that we continued to hang out off and on after "the incident" and obviously I tried to drop the word "caulk" into every sentence possible but he acted as though it never happened!

"Where should we go eat? I'm in the mood for a caulk dog, oh I mean hot dog." He wouldn't even acknowledge my awesome hints like, "What did I do last night? Ate dinner then caulked my tub. And that's no sexual innuendo my friend." No response.

Moral of the story, unless you want to be referred to as a "mother caulker" for the rest of your life, think of a better excuse.


  1. Moral of the story: How about dating guys with more cunning excuses?

    -- It is kinda funny though, only because it's so conspicuous. But do not despair wench, take heart from the fact that it probably worked on some other girl prior to that and not YOU

  2. Did this really happen? Good lord, what an excuse. And why would any guy ever feel the need to say that to you when you were clearly going to win his heart on this event he ditched out on you for. I mean REALLY?!?!?!!!?