Well wrap me up in a chocolate truffle and call me Gisele!
No really, do it.
According to today's You Swoop deal (which is another Chicago-based Groupon type of program), an uber-luxurious spa in the Gold Coast is offering "slimming, detoxifying, and soothing" body wraps for 53% off.
Here's what the ad read:
"Lose 4-14 inches overall with a M'lis wrap(multiple sessions recommended)
Body wraps detoxify, increase circulation and exfoliate!
Choose from three options: M'lis wrap, moor mud
wrap or chocolate truffle wrap"
I'd first like to point out that I have no clue what a M'lis wrap is. I was too distracted by the chocolate truffle option to care. What I do know is that if you wrapped my body in chocolate truffle you can guarantee that there would not be any loss of poundage.
This is one of those emails that immediately evokes a mental image. Like I walk into a room, all peppy because I think I get to eat chocolate. But then they put my naked lil hungry body on a giant metal table and they roll me around and around in sheets upon sheets of chocolate (similar to the way the serial-killer Dexter uses sheets of cellophane to fasten his victims...) All flavors too, milk, dark, white, peanut butter infused. The layers start to harden because of the industrial size fan blowing a few feet away. Meanwhile, the certified chocolatier is standing there telling me to concentrate on my breathing so that I can really "experience the benefit of the aromatherapy too." By now, I'm like a 6'1" chocolate Easter Bunny. I'm so terrified that I'm sweating and panting and my heart is racing from all the caffeine intake (I would assume) and eventually my metabolism is so extreme that I[drumroll please]....lose anywhere from 4 to 14 inches around my waste.
I always knew in my gut that Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was influenced by the experience of a vain twenty-something with a disposable income.