No offense.

I see this poster every day, yet on this Monday morning the thought of having to do this to any of my coworkers makes me want to curl up into a ball on the couch with a jar of peanut butter, a shot of whiskey, a Real Housewives marathon and never ever ever leave.

King Size

Sarah Silverman said something like "self deprecation is another form of egoism."  True story.  But how else am I supposed to understand my monthly mail receipt of "King Size" magazine and process water cooler conversations like these:

Mail Guy:  Girl, why you workin' here?! You could be a model.

Me:  Oh thanks, that's super nice of you to say but nah, I'm good here in my cubicle.

Mail Guy: You tried it before?

Me:  Sort of, once in middle school.  They told me my hips were two inches too big and that I could get surgery to shave the bone off but my parents love me.

Mail Guy Who Really Knows How to Talk to a Woman:  Well they make those plus sized models don't they?

Me: Yes.  Yes, they definitely do make those.

Me (internally):  You sonofabitch.

I'll still drink it.

"What's your name?"

"Jordan"

"OK wait, Gordon?"

"Nope, Jordan, J.O.R.D.A.N."

"With an O?"

"Nope, with an A."