....but i'm not

Monday, June 25, 2012

Sleep Charisma

I've always wondered what it's like to sleep with me.  Not actually WITH me, but literally NEXT to me.  I wonder what it's like to say your sweet dreams, think you're finally going to get a solid summer nights sleep, pull the covers up to your chinny chin chin, let the city sounds lull you into a peaceful slumber...and then have your world rocked by some tall broad asking if she can borrow your umbrella at 2am. 

Ask my boyfriend, it happens to him every single night.

Per his account of events, I have managed to do the following while sleeping:

#1.  Way too early in our relationship ask way too creepily "DID YOU JUST ASK IF YOU COULD POOP ON ME?"

#2.  Ask him if I was actually sleeping with George Clooney.

#3.  Attempt with all my might to flip over his dresser because I thought he was stuck under it.

#4.  Proceed to unload one of the drawers of that dresser and create a pile on the floor then wake up to learn that I had put my pajamas and underwear on inside out and backward.
And that's really in the past 12 months that all of that has happened.  Before then I had my hands full...
#1.  Yelling at new roommates to "GET THEIR SHIT OUT OF MY WAY" while pulling their suitcases (which had been neatly piled in the closet) into the middle of the bedroom.
#2.  Frantically trying to rescue my grandma who I thought was trapped under my bed.
#3.  Taking all of the clothes out of my drawers and barricading myself behind a wall of refolded clothes aligned along my bedside. 
#4.  At middle school sleepovers asking my friends if they saw the man hunched over in the corner and probably consequently never having another middle school sleepover.
The weird thing about this sleep talking phenomenon is that I'm a really mild tempered person when I'm awake.  In fact, sometimes I worry that I'm actually more charismatic in my sleep and have considered falling asleep before I go to job interviews, house parties, weddings, etc. 
Go see a shrink you say?  No way! I sleep like a rock and my uber-patient sleep buddy says he enjoys the entertainment (either that or he's secretly videotaping me and plans to post it on YouTube and make a bundle).  Besides, who needs a shrink when any deeply seeded issues I could possibly have I rehash and work through from the hours of 11pm to 7am free of charge.

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