....but i'm not

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

My Magical Powers

There is a good chance that I may be blessed with magical powers.

Big shout out to Andy for helping me realize this potential. Ladies and gentlemen, drum roll please...turns out that my magical powers are manifested in none other than the gift of speech, particularly speech that makes people feel vomitous (usually of the male variety).

People with the gift of speech can go one of two ways - the Barack Obama route paved with powerful rhetoric and eloquence or the George W. Bush route paved with powerful rhetoric and the symptoms that Mylanta cures. The latter just happens to be my route.

This is how the epiphany went down-

Me: "Want to hear a good story Andy?"

Andy: [silence]

Me: Okay good. Well it probably won't be that good, but I'm going to tell it anyway because we have like a 30 minute train ride home and there isn't really anyone else you're going to listen to. So last week I was in the coffee room at work, and you know that guy...[ blah blah blah something something something, yammering on for five minutes]??

Andy: [silence]

Me: ...So he says to me, "I know how to catch Osama bin Laden." And I'm like, okay big guy, tell me how? I mean who says that? I think he works in your department, do you know a lot of people in your department? [ blah blah blah something about Osama's views on global warming compared to my views on global warming, asking Andy about his views on global warming]

Andy: Yup. [head nod and a little bit squirmy in his seat]

Me: [oodles of gibberish and anecdotes to make this the best story EVER]...and then he just grabbed his coffee and walked away! Just like that! So you know which guy I'm talking about right?

And then Andy looks me directly in the eye and says very nonchalantly:
"So a little while ago when you were talking, I thought that I was going to throw up if you kept talking."

And just like that, I have a new weapon to combat horrible first dates.