....but i'm not

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

The Office is No Place for Aloe.

My office is overrun with aloe plants.

This really perplexes me because not once have I seen a sunburned coworker approach the healing plant, take out a pair of scissors, cut off a chunk of aloe leaf and rub it all over his/her bod. No doubt it's a sexual harassment law suit waiting to happen.

I'm challenged in the horticulture arena, so there is probably some very practical reason for keeping aloe in the office, in addition to it's magical healing powers. Either way, I don't care, these octopus plants creep me out.

Its giant pervy feelers are always reaching for my boob as I walk by and every day it moves closer and closer to my cubicle. While all the other plants grow toward the sun, this evil creature moves toward me. Not only that, but it has a buddy that sits atop the filing cabinets in the cubicle next to mine and it's so obvious that the two are in cahoots, plotting the takeover of workspace 09-632.

When I'm not analyzing statistical data in Excel spreadsheets and organizing meetings, I spend the rest of my time devising fantastical office escapes in which the aloe plant comes to life, spurring mass chaos and spewing goo as my innocent office-mates and I take shelter in the copy room, the filing cabinets, or under the fax machine (because it's 2010 and no aloe monster would think to look under the fax machine).

No joke, I just looked over at it and saw its tentacle morph into a smirk.


  1. The 80 gazillion aloe plants in the office actually started off as like 3 little pieces that Paula brought in from her aloe plant at home. But since they grow and multiply like rabbits we now have an ovewhelming number of aloe plants in here, none of which have ever been used to help soothe a burn. Oh, and we have learned that no matter what you do, you can't kill an aloe plant. They are pretty much indestructable.

  2. Thanks for totally not easing my anxiety!

  3. You can thank the Eagle for the aloe plant by your desk!