....but i'm not

Friday, July 30, 2010

Parental Facebook Coping Mechanisms

Those of you who have met Mama Hoff, you know she's a pretty hip lady, she's a talented, down-to-earth makeup artist who doesn't look a day past 40. She's also one of my biggest smorgasjord fans, so I know she'll see this. Like all mothers, she loves me unconditionally (remember that madre, you love me unconditionally). Like all mothers on facebook, and this number is growing at a terrfyingly exponential rate, Mama Hoff has found new ways of communicating with her long distance daughters. That was the nice way of putting it. We've set up some boundaries and everything seems to be working out swimmingly as I've since developed some coping mechanisms that enable me to coexist with my mom's facebook page.

She is not allowed to post on my wall, she is allowed limited comment access on photos posted of me, and any contact with friends should be done without my knowledge (don't ask don't tell policy). The most often utilized technique is what I call the "First Line Review" which basically involves a quick review of the first line of her messages to determine their readability.

Take notes my friends:

Subject: Rachel Pally - Printed Deep V Dress at chickdowntown.com
First Line: "Jord, when you get married on the beach (that's what I'm expecting anyway...)"
The Readability Verdict? Don't open, I already told you I like the mother of the bride dress you sent me yesterday.

Subject: Five Steps, Five Minutes to a Flawless Face
First Line: If you've got 5 minutes you can still get a "flawless face"!!!
The Readability Verdict? Debatable. Could be helpful, but where is she going with this??

Subject: time to update the profile pic
First Line: "I wasn't creeping or whatever but..."
The Readability Verdict? You'd have to pay me to open this one.

Subject: Stewart + Brown: twist dress
First Line: "How do you think this dress would look in an aubergine color?"
The Readability Verdict? She's speaking a foreign language. Don't open.

Subject: pics of certain friends
First Line: Hi Sug, when you think of it, no make that when you get a chance, would you.."
The Readability Verdict? Based on the subject matter and tone of the request, this one is headed down a dark dark path...

Subject: Sweatshirt in profile pic.
First Line: THAT is what you wore on your birthday??? OK. You're an adult. You can decide..."
The Readability Verdict? Enough said.

Subject: Chicago - Get a Load of this Gorgeous Gelato
First Line: GELATOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xoxoMomster Hoffmanski
The Readability Verdict? Now we're talking.


  1. I should also note that I've only been involved in one pageant at the age of 7, and it was tie-dy themed, and it was by choice. So my mom is not in any way a psycho pageant mom, in case you were wondering.

  2. Hahaha this is pretty great! And probably goes for voice mail too? I pretty much never listen to the entirety of my mom's voice mails. Mostly I just get "Hi Morg, it's Mom" and figure that's all I need to know. She's not quite as voracious a facebooker as dear Mama Hoff (love ya V!) so that seems to be a safe zone so far...

  3. Arn't we lucky to have such sweet-ass Mamas! Your Mama totally rocks. I can't wait to see her next Tuesday!